Thursday, March 15, 2012

Coke Zero is Everything Wrong With America Today

The Republicans have it all wrong: rampant spending and higher taxes have nothing to do with America’s woes.  Mind you, the Democrats have it all wrong, too.  Universal health care and sending every American to college will not fix America’s REAL problem.

Here’s America’s real problem:

Let me be clear: Coke Zero the beverage does not constitute the problem.  Rather, the hideous, confusing and possibly seditious logo threatens the very fabric of our nation.  Actually, the logo as a whole works well; the gradual thinning of the letters in the word “zero” ably communicate the low-calorie nature of the product without painting it as weak or unmasculine.

Rather, the abomination, the violent rejection of all that true Americans find holy and pure comes down to one specific element of the logo--the letter R.  OK, the letter R does not threaten our great Republic.    I save for the focus of my outrage the criminal and probably disease-ridden beveled ends of the letter R in “zero.”

Overcome your natural response of averting your eyes from the horror: the ends of the vertical bar and the arm of “r” are rounded.  Now, calm yourself and look at the arms of the “z” and the end of the “e.”  They have flat ends.  The horror!  The horror!

Even worse, this atrocity has set below our very noses, or sometimes above our noses when we tilt our heads back to drink from the can or bottle.

I hope all right-thinking Americans DEMAND that the Coca-Cola Corporation of America, a heretofore well-respected American institution, either sand the rounded bits off the “r” or bevel the ends of the “z” and “e” or suffer the wrath of an awakened and caffeine-deprived giant.

And, letter “o,” keep your nose clean.  We’re watching you.

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